My mother used to say that whatever our parents haven’t taught us, our children will. I do know that some of my best lessons on Fatherhood came from my own children.
Our oldest son developed a love of building and carpentry, perhaps through working with Donna’s dad and brothers when we would go to Oklahoma to see them. So when, at 18 years of age, he was invited to work on for a construction contractor in Southern Alberta, 7 hours from home, he jumped at the chance.
During that time my brother in law and I had purchased a fairly extensive oilfield site that had to be dismantled and the equipment sold. The dismantling was going to be a dirty, unpleasant job, but we were quite enthused about the profit potential. All we needed was some laborers.
On one of Andrew’s weekend trips home, I invited him, again, to join me in working on our project, enthusiastically extolling the profit potential and outlining the benefits of working with his dad, close to home. After listening a while to my harangue, he broke in and said, passionately, “Dad, why can’t you be enthused about what I want to do, instead of just talking about your stuff and what interests you?”
His words hit me as only the truth can – hard and squarely between the eyes. I immediately knew that I had been handed a very valuable and sorely needed lesson. I repented then and there, and I have thought of that conversation many times since.
I’m glad that we had the kind of relationship that allowed him to tell me what he was feeling. By God’s grace we need to foster an atmosphere of trust with our children. I am not an authority on this, but it seems to me that it starts with a listening ear borne of a deep respect for our children. Much is said about children respecting their elders and I agree that this is important. But they are a responsibility and a gift given to us by God in Heaven and that fact alone makes them worthy of our deepest love and respect.
There is another lesson in this account but I only realized it later in reading a book on raising boys. It’s regarding something called “Differentiation.” A boy (likely girls too but I haven’t studied that) generally will come to a time when they have to establish their own individual identity, distinct and separate from their father. This is healthy and even necessary for normal development, although in a few cases, the ways in which this differentiation manifests itself can be painful to watch. This is especially true in highly charged relationships and controlling environments. Where love and admiration and camaraderie and healthy communication has been the norm, differentiation can take place without a lot of stress. Things like a different hairstyle or discarding a childhood nickname, or wanting to try a new occupation should be accepted respectfully. If there are destructive behaviors we need to consider that the time of us exerting control is largely past. Being an inspirational example may be the most effective way to help guide the teenager through this time, rather than giving in to our inclination to try to control them.
Let us listen, not just to the words, but also to what the heart is saying. And love unconditionally.
