“Thanks Dad, for everything” I saw him write,
and then he signed his name. I stood and marveled as I watched this.
The setting prompted a mixture of strong emotions. Grampa had suffered for many years, and everyone was relieved and thankful that was over, and that he could finally rest with mental clarity far exceeding any earthly measure. On the other hand, death is always sad for those of us left behind.
We all stood around the grave, 40 of us or so. We packed in tight, partly to stay warm, but I think mostly because the setting demanded closeness, and that’s what we all needed then. It wasn’t just physical warmth we pursued in this act of huddling together, but a deeper warmth. One that warms a different, colder kind of chill. One that is hard to find. One that we did find that day, though!
When the singing was done and the prayers had been offered, and the casket had been closed for the final time, the markers came out for us to sign our names on the casket. I don’t know why this was done. A pointless gesture by any practical reasoning. I suppose it offered some legitimacy to our relationship with Grampa, I don’t know. But though I don’t understand why, it did impress me, all those names and farewell comments plastered all over the blue casket. Surely Grampa did appreciate them somehow.
I signed my name, not knowing what else to add to it, so I left it blank. My part was done and my farewell was finalized.
I watched my dad sign it then, and found myself overcome with wonderment. “thanks Dad, for everything”. How could this be!? A lifetime of love and compassion, of mentoring and leadership, of forging a path that few people could have ever forged. All of this, crushed down into one, simple word, “everything”.
And here I sit, less than a year later, staring into the face of the inevitable, and the face of my own, dying dad. This dear man that has held me, has loved me, has guided me in every aspect of life and taught me nearly everything I know. The man that’s been the force behind me and the example before me. The man that passed on to me the solid foundations of his own dad. For all of my 29 years, he’s given me confidence and assurance and unconditional love. This man is now who I must let go of.
But before I do, dad, I have one more thing I just have to tell you. When we lay you in the ground, and I write my name on your casket, it won’t be just a name with no remark. I’ll also pour my heart out there, and list all the things I thank you for. It won’t take very long. I’ll just write “Thanks Dad, for everything”, and then I’ll let you go.
Carson Toews – January 3, 2021
